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Written a while ago

“That night I came over, that night I swore it was nothing more than two old friends kicking back having a few beers and that night turned into something I wouldn’t have expected. Something I would have never laid a thought on.

At that moment I got your text, a million thoughts were running through my mind. Why did you suddenly contact me again? Did I think it was OK for you to send a text asking me to come to your place? No, because I hate how you expect me to be ‘OK’ with it, if you just waltz back in my life like nothing has happened. I may be an insecure person, but that doesn’t give you the right to just toss me around and expect me to not break. But everything leads to one question. Why did everything seem so perfect right to the point you suddenly disappeared without a word nor a goodbye?

The night I came over, all my memories of you had come back. The memories I made myself believe were out of my head. From walking with you from the shops to your house, walking down your dark street with your right arm around my shoulder, using your other hand to hold a beer, stopping next to the fence where you’d finish your drink and throw it just to hear the noise of it breaking, stopping by the corner under the street light and looking towards each other where you’d give me a kiss on the forehead and smile, when you’d look at me and tell me I look dressed up yet beautiful, when you’d give me that same grey over sized t-shirt to wear to sleep, how you put on a movie and made sure I was comfortable, and how you promised me you’d hug me all night. That one single supposedly ‘harmless’ night, made me remember everything you gave me the first time, all the comfort, security and promises you made. You told me you loved me, you were sorry, and you wish you had never let me go, but I hated how you expected me to tell you I loved you back after all you put me through.

But one mistake I made was probably not telling you I loved you, because every part of me had wanted to say it, but I just wasn’t able to. I wasn’t able to say a lot of things back to you like how I missed you, I wanted you back, and that I loved you too. You told me you missed me then you got yourself a girlfriend. I felt played, once again, as if my feelings didn’t matter one bit to you. I made you one of the top priorities in my life at that time, but I guess I was just down to #0 on your list. I realised I was too late to have you back in my life, I admit that was my mistakes. but why did you have to disappear again?

You’re gone now and you left too soon with so many words yet to be spoken.”

I wish there was a way to erase the things I’ve done, I hate regrets.

Like I said

I knew that in the end your relationship with her wouldn’t have last any longer. She wasn’t the right one for you, you didn’t love her as much as you loved me back then. You used her and acted like you loved her a lot but I knew that truly deep down your feelings you didn’t at all. I don’t appreciate what you did to her but I hope we could be friends again. It’s not that I love or like you but it’s because I just want what’s best for you since I always looked at you like a close friend.

Family

You know those family where they get along together? Well me and my family don’t. My parents are divorced and my grandma has been living with me ever since I was born. My mum doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know what my favorite food is, she doesn’t know what type of person I am, she doesn’t know ANYTHING about me. All she knows is my name, age, birth date and unimportant details. My grandma is just like my mum, accept the fact that she knows more about me than my mum does. My family don’t even know me. If they did, they would’ve thought I was one weird child.

At the moment they’re suspicious about my eating problems. I’m always in my room and the family’s always around the house socializing, luckily I have a small family because then it won’t be noisy. I obviously don’t get along with my siblings, it feels like I was adopted, I’m nothing like my whole family, the only person I’m alike is my dad. I get my looks and personality off him. I get my intelligence from my mum. I hate how she never has time for me. I only see her 3 hours everyday. IMAGINE THAT. THREE HOURS A DAY. Which adds up to 21 hours a week and if I’m lucky enough, she sometimes has a day off on a Saturday just so I could spend the day with her. As selfish as it sounds but I hate life and I hate everything. It never works out, arguments occur everyday and I do get physically abuse by my family if I ran away from home and came back. I hate life, I wish I was adopted into a better family.

Religious

Thinking about how I was created makes me feel frustrated and curiosity hits me bad. I hate it how people believe in all this God thing. There are so many Gods and I honestly don’t know what I believe in, there are many stories about many Gods and possibly a few evidence. I always question myself as to why I was even created to live in this world. In the end we all die anyways and there’s no point in living. In my next life I want to be living in a world that’s full of fairies and magic. Imagine that, how amazing would that be rather then living in such a boring world.

Emotionless

I always thought that I’d be scared of heights but now I’ve finally realized that being above the ground doesn’t scare me at all. Especially if I’m emotional, when I’m up above the ground I can’t feel my emotions anymore and everything seems to disappear when I’m up there. I tend worry about my problems more rather then worry about the distance between my feet and the ground.

Letting go of something or someone that was once important in my life seems so easy now and maybe that’s because I’m so used to it.

Oh hey,

it’s been a long time since I last spoken to you. How have you been? Where have you been? And how’s life? I’m guessing your life revolves around parties, drinks, smokes and lies. Seems like you’re happy without me. I’m just sitting here thinking about us but you probably have someone else on mind. I’m guessing we won’t have to talk no more..